The Twelve Days of Christmas
by attheturnofthetide
Summary: ... according to Erestor and Lindir. Includes a disgruntled Lindir, a travel-obsessed Gandalf, and a present for every day of, you know, the twelve days of Christmas. Or Yule. Whichever you prefer. Merry belated Christmas!


**About time I continue writing fanfics. I've been slacking again. Both in FF and in homework…**

**Anyways, Lindir and Erestor are bored. And it's Christmas/Yule. With a parody and everything!**

**Not the best plot ever, but I had fun writing it ;)**

**Remember:**

**BOLD**__is Glorfindel

_**Bold Italics**_ is Gandalf

_Italics_ is Erestor

Normal is Lindir

**The Twelve Days of Christmas**

**(according to Erestor and Lindir)**

Hey, Erestor.

_Yes? I'm busy. What is it?_

There is something I want to try. Something the humans call "Christmas song parody".

_I see. _

Yes.

_What does this have to do with me?_

Well, two minds are better than one! Gandalf explained this to me. It should be fun.

_All right. _

On the first day of Christmas –

_Christmas?_

Yule.

_Ah._

On the first day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me –

_Wait a minute. Gandalf gave __you__ a present?_

Yes. Why?

_I didn't get one._

Oh.

_Well, go on, Lindir. What did Gandalf give you?_

As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, TWICE:

On the first day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: a lecture on the treatment of dwarves.

_I – HA HA HA HA HA –_

Stop laughing.

_(hack hack) _

No, really, it isn't funny!

_(HACK HACK)_

Are you all right? GLORFINDEL! GLORFINDEL! Erestor's choking from laughter!

_I'm fine now. HA HA! By the way, I have a question._

… what?

_What did he say in his lecture?_

Um. He said I was too condescending to Thorin and his friends and that I need to offer a meat option on our dinner course menu.

_Oh Eru, I can't breathe!_

It's your turn. Be quiet.

_Oh, all right._

_On the second day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: two scarves full of holes and a lecture on the treatment of dwarves._

I didn't know he knitted.

_I didn't either._

On the third day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: three unconscious orcs, two scarves full of holes, and a lecture on the treatment of dwarves.

_WHAT DOES HE EXPECT US TO DO WITH THREE UNCONSCIOUS ORCS?!_

Calm yourself, Erestor. You'll wake them up with your screaming and then _where_ will we be?

Anyways, it's your turn.

_On the fourth day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: four shiny swords, three unconscious orcs, two scarves full of holes, and a lecture on the treatment of dwarves._

Donate the swords to Glorfindel's fencing training class, please. If I ever see another pointy object it will be too soon.

_Is this about the hedgehog incident?_

Don't ask.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: five golden rings –

_WHAT THE VALAR? One golden ring apparently wasn't enough, now we have FIVE BLASTED ONES!? Is Gandalf trying to kill us?!_

Your. Darn. Turn.

_On the sixth day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: six Elvish kings, five golden rings, four shiny swords, three unconscious orcs, two scarves full of holes, and a lecture on the treatment of dwarves._

Honestly, Erestor, we don't even have that many kings in Middle-Earth! Where did Gandalf get all those kings?! And what are you going to do with all of them?

_They'll be my doorstops. And since you got so jealous of me, I get another turn._

_On the seventh day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: seven pieces of lembas bread, six Elvish kings, five golden rings, four shiny swords, three unconscious orcs, two scarves full of holes, and a lecture on the treatment of dwarves._

Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? We're the elves.

_Maybe Lady Galadriel gave him a lifetime's supply. Maybe he's trying to get rid of it._

I don't think so.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: eight Dwarven door knobs, seven pieces of lembas bread, six Elvish kings, five golden rings, four shiny swords, three unconscious orcs, two scarves full of holes, and a lecture on the treatment of dwarves.

_I'm not even going to comment on that._

Shut up, you can use them as paperweights if you want.

_On the ninth day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: nine knitted gloves, eight Dwarven door knobs, seven pieces of lembas bread, six Elvish kings, five golden rings, four shiny swords, three unconscious orcs, two scarves full of holes, and a lecture on the treatment of dwarves._

That's nice and normal.

FOR ONCE.

_Lindir, just because Estel put a pinecone in your seat doesn't mean you get the right to be grouchy all day._

Well, Glorfindel doesn't have the right either, but _he's_ grouchy all day.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: ten jeweled teapots, nine knitted gloves, eight Dwarven door knobs, seven pieces of lembas bread, six Elvish kings, five golden rings, four shiny swords, three unconscious orcs, two scarves full of holes, and a lecture on the treatment of dwarves.

_I –_

Don't say it. Just when I thought everything was nice and normal.

And I'm not using them either. Mail them to the Valar. I'm sure they'll appreciate it.

_On the eleventh day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: eleven Mexican jumping beans, ten jeweled teapots, nine knitted gloves, eight Dwarven door knobs, seven pieces of lembas bread, six Elvish kings, five golden rings, four shiny swords, three unconscious orcs, two scarves full of holes, and a lecture on the treatment of dwarves._

Okay. Stop. WHAT IS THIS.

_I don't know. Gandalf went traveling to someplace he calls the "twenty-first century". _

Figures! I give up!

_Aw, come on, we only have one more. Glorfindel will call us unmotivated… again…_

Okay. But I have a question for Gandalf when he visits Rivendell again.

_And what may that be?_

I want to know, what are beans?

…

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me – oh, no.

_CALM DOWN LINDIR! SOMEONE! LINDIR'S IN HYSTERICS! HE'S GONE MAD!_

**What is it, Erestor? **

_Lindir opened the box of the day and guess what it has._

**Go on.**

_I don't know either. He can't tell me._

_I guess we have to wait until he comes to. When I took his turn last time, he went ballistic._

LATER ON…

OH _ERU_ I FEEL HORRIBLE.

_Dang right you should. Now, this is the last part of the "Christmas song parody". Hurry it up._

You know, I hit my head so hard on the floor that I completely forgot what was in that box.

… _dear Valar._

Okay!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: tickets – oh, by the beard of Manwe…

_Down he goes._

*crash*

**Good grief. Again?**

_You know what, I'll do it this time. Let's wait for Lindir to wake up._

EVEN LATER ON…

Hello, everyone. Did I faint from shock?

_I don't know._

Probably from surprise, I think.

_I'll do the last step, okay?_

Probably for the best, yeah.

_On the twelfth day of Christmas, Gandalf gave to me: tickets to something called… "Battle of the Five Armies"?_

**I believe this is something Gandalf calls "moovee" tickets.**

_I'VE HAD IT! Being one of the Istari is no excuse for –_

_**Excuse for what, Advisor Erestor?**_

_Gandalf! I- er- uh- _

_**I thought as much. Have some lembas.**_

… _lembas?_

_**Lady Galadriel gave me a lifetime's supply of it and I don't know how to get rid of them.**_

Merry Christmas to everyone, I hope you enjoyed reading this, and next time I'll actually POST A STORY BEFORE BOXING DAY. LIKE REALLY.


End file.
